In case you missed the 1000s of commercials and blog posts from around the web, today is Prime Day over on Amazon. Which is great! For a lot of things. But for some reason, Amazon hasn’t really done much to promote its pooping-related deals, so I felt like it would be nice to supplement Prime Day coverage with a list that is truly sh**ty from top to bottom.
1. A Squatty Potty is a cheap way to take your deuce game to the next level.
Promising review: “I dont know what to do with all the extra time I save now that I poop faster. I think I may take up cross-stitching.” —Andie Pearce
Get one from Amazon for $25.
2. A little Poo-Pourri for when you’ve got a guy spending the night but need to drop a three pound stink-baby.
Promising review: “No more fear of stinking up the office when you have to go after that large cup of coffee.” —Cece
Get one from Amazon for $10.
3. A motion activated glow in the dark toilet light for those rare, but dangerous midnight dumps.
Promising review: “I’ve had this device for a little while now and I absolutely love it! The toilet light is motion and light sensitive, which means that when there’s too much light in the bathroom, the toilet light won’t turn on, and if there’s no light and no motion as well, the toilet light won’t turn on.” —Sergio Rios
Get one from Amazon for $16.
4. A skinny bathroom organizer for people who live in tiny, overpriced NYC apartments, like me.
Promising review: “This is a great little cabinet for hiding away TP and room freshener in small bathrooms without storage.” —My 100 Cats
Get one from Amazon for $119.
5. This elegant alternative to stacking your toilet paper on the back of the bowl.
Promising review: “I lamented the lack of shelf and closet space in my new bathroom because it meant I’d have to get one of those horrible toilet paper storage tubes I’ve always hated. I was so happy when I found this modern, practical one because it’s the only one that holds an entire 12 rolls and doesn’t look horrible. In fact, it’s very useful because of the flat surface on top where you can put a nice plant or whatever.” —egirl
Get one from Amazon for $45.
6. A super plunger to help your post Thanksgiving/Chipotle stinkers get down the drain.
Promising review: “THIS THING MEANS BUSINESS, AND ITS BUSINESS IS DISLODGING OVERSIZED TURDS FROM THE HALF ASS PLUMBING SYSTEM MY LANDLORD INSTALLED. This bad boy gets the job done without spraying water all over like the damn bishop is in town giving out blessings.” —Reggie Thistleton
Get one from Amazon for $20.
7. This toilet paper cloud is a fun way to turn your toilet paper into art before you turn it into hazardous waste.
Promising review: “I have very little storage space. This is an ideal way to store extra toilet tissue right out in open sight. Love it!” —Helene
Get one from Amazon for $125.
8. A one-step toilet paper loader so you can literally kill your roommate with impunity if she puts the new roll on top of the old empty one instead of replacing it properly.
Promising review: “If you are curious about this product and design I will tell you I owned another ‘one step’ loader, no longer made, and there is no going back once you try these.” —reviewers name
Get one from Amazon for $14.
9. A public toilet survival kit, because sometimes you’re turtle-heading and can’t wait until you get home.
Promising review: “This was purchased as a gag gift for one of my best buddies. He is indescribably concerned with things being neat and clean. It turns out, he took it as quite the thoughtful gift and put it in the glove-box of his car for safe-keeping, right next to his emergency tourniquet and First Aid kits.” —Derek
Get one from Amazon for $7.
10. This cute little plant sprout seat lifter so you never have to touch that nasty ass seat.
Promising review: “So darn cute! My boyfriend laughed at me when he noticed it on the toilet seat, but I think it’s a fun little pop of color and helps keep your hands free from germs.” —Brittany
Get a pack of two for $6.
11. These multi-colored toilet paper rolls, because white is sooooo last 100 years.
Promising review: “As an engineer at a paper mill who manufactures toilet paper, I’d say i know my s**t about toilet paper (no pun intended). This stuff really is amazing. Not only is it soft and strong, but the color is amazing. There is no question in my mind, no matter what color you buy, if you throw this in your bathroom, every guest that uses it will have some remark for you.” —Kyle H.
Get some from Amazon for $20.
12. This Sarlacc pit decal. It’s from Star Wars. Ever heard of it?
Ok, this one isn’t on Amazon, but you can get it from, yep, Toilet Sarlacc for $25.
13. A toilet paper and beer holder, for when you don’t want to interrupt your drinking time with a trip to the pooper.
To be clear, we may receive a portion of the sales from these poop items. We’re not proud of it, but we like money, so we’re going to take it.