Shower sex: the sudsy (and often vertical) sexual frontier that most couples endeavor to conquer at some point in their relationship. And why not? It’s steamy, dimly-lit, and both of you smell like soap. What’s not to love?
There’s water beating down on you (which makes any attempts at oral extremely stressful), soap is everywhere, and the unusual choice of locale always begs the question: what position do we actually get in for this?*
Here are some thoughts that definitely run through any girl’s mind when she is attempting to engage in such a tricky sexual act:
1. “Soap. Soap is in my eye. Soap is in my mouth.”
At first, the suds seemed slippery and naughty, but now I just feel like that kid in A Christmas Story who gets his mouth washed out with a bar of Lifebuoy. Not to mention the fact that my eyes are stinging while I attempt to maintain this sultry eye contact. Shouldn’t we start the foreplay before any irritants get involved?
2. “How bad are my raccoon eyes?”
I know it’s “not sexy” to be self-conscious, but I forgot to remove my eye makeup before we got going in here and, well, when that happens I tend to end up looking like some sort of bastardized version of Imperator Furiosa. Sure, a little smudgy eyeliner can be sexy, but there’s a big difference between “smoky eye” and “soapy eye.”
3. “Wow. My upper body strength is better than I thought!”
Gotta give myself credit where credit is due: I’m basically the Olympic gold medalist of hanging on to this shower rod. I was skeptical about my shower-sex abilities at first, but I am definitely some kind of sexual champion athlete.
4. “I should really re-grout these tiles.”
Now that I really have ample opportunity to inspect this shower, I’m having second thoughts about using it as any sort of sexual playground. When was the last time I cleaned this thing? Just please don’t look too closely at the drain. There’s like, enough hair to make a wig in there.
5. “We are definitely going to slip and die.”
Whose idea was it to get busy inside this slippery rectangle of suds and catastrophe? Sure, the notion seemed spontaneous, and like a vaguely responsible way to “save” “water,” but how hazardous are we willing to get with our sexual exploits? We should probably be wearing safety harnesses when we engage in such precarious coitus.
6. “Nope, my body definitely does not bend that way.”
We have officially exhausted my subpar contortionist abilities, and, short of dislocating my shoulder, I am out of ideas. Why don’t we move to the bed? The nice, soft bed, where I can dazzle you with my keen grasp of the Reverse Cowgirl and literally any other position that does not involve maneuvering around a faucet?
7. “How does water make everything drier??”
I DO NOT FEEL SEXY WHEN I’M PRUNY, Y’ALL.
8. “Sh*t! I still need to wash my hair.”
In the midst of all this sexual madness, I somehow neglected to do the ONE THING I came in here to do: rid myself of the dirt and grime of the day. In fact, I think I have somehow gotten less clean since getting in the shower with you.
9. “Next time, we’re just using the bathtub.”
I don’t care if it’s “sexier” in the shower, we clearly cannot be trusted in such a precarious position. If we’re going to have sex which somehow involves water, I want to at least be able to light some candles and not have to fear for my life, dammit.
*For the record, the best shower sex position is standing up, from behind. Just trust me on this one.